She got healed from the pain of leaving her marriage, and by the time they came back home, she was mentally prepared to start dating again since all her hurts were healed. Grand children . Wow, I was taken aback by this editors unkindness and lack of compassion. Moving on after divorce is hard when all you do is live the past instead of the present. My children are grown and many milestones are coming up. I found out my wife of 23 years (27 years together) was having an affair the last Sunday in January 2021. 7 Cures to Move on From the Lingering Loneliness After Divorce These are the steps I took to provide an escape hatch from the intensity of the loneliness that I felt. I try to limit my public outbursts, but sometimes that's when the sad comes. so I pray every day for her to be back and are family to be one. Better if you acknowledge the pain and express it openly instead of trying to deny it as if it doesnt exist at all." I worked hard, did everything for him, but it wasnt enough.They married 18 months after our divorce ( 9 months ago, and went on honeymoon to one of our favourite places) They have a fantastic lifestyle, whereas I have had to go back to work. And its been tuff, specially when He was the unfaithful, controlling, abusive one. You may consider it phantom pain, but its pain nonetheless. That alone really destroys me when I think about it but I have to be strong for my little granddaughter who I have not met yet but one day I hope to. One very common one is feeling like your husband just isn't remorseful or sorry enough for the affair. No doubt my personal history comes into play as well; I was single into my 30s having declined a few proposals, deferring marriage until I was ready, convinced I had made an excellent choice. I have a great relationship now and am engaged. All we can do, those who still grieve, is to carry on, realise that we are not weird or silly for not getting over it, and that there are wonderful moments and times that we can enjoy. I was married for 29 years and so I am almost there. Making choices so the kids like you. It took him 6 years to make up his mind to go through with a divorce. Intense anger may be the main reason most former spouses have no interest in. It has been just over a year now and I still feel like I have been kicked in the stomach daily. Gradually, your feelings on loss will start to be replaced by new things to do, new people to meet and new places to go. I was told many times by her and our therapist that I was too attached, I loved her to much. We all grieve differently. Parent conflict is dangerous to children. Thank you for finding those words. The world wants everyone to be over things. You deserve to come to peace with your divorce so that you can begin a new and richer life. I'm mad, yelling, and feel like I can't breathe. I would have been able to still respect him. My heart remains unresolved. as if they knew everything about my marriage and had the right to judge from their high moral (usually married) position. Absolutely. The sadness and hurt came subtly and hovered over me. Cant Get Your Ex Out Of Your Head? Hang in there, perhaps get a pet.mine have given me pleasure & a reason to keep going. Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. I feel completely abandoned and alone. I wish everyone here the peace and happiness you deserve, and if the pain is still there, so be it ignore the platitudes (time is a healer. Along with the occasional look of, "Mhmm, sure.". Ultimately, I support her decision. I barely get 3 hours a night sleep and am super lucky if I get 4 hours, while he goes on cruises several times a year and vacations several times a year with his new wife. It hasnt been that long. I lost a 4 generations family farm, but more than that, I lost an entire life of working toward a financially secure retirement, raising 2 children together, and being so close to her family. Coparenting is tough. He stopped speaking to me full stop. I love how it allows us to feel and to be ok with the idea that we are sad despite our happiness. My son sees a sadness every so often in me. My marriage lasted 21 years, I was with her for 23 years. Sad. It's easy to slip into dramatic self-pity mode when you're the one left behind, just as it was in my divorce. I had an amicable split, ex was unhappy & I miss him & the good times and I Harbor so much guilt for not being the wife I should've been. Pain can coexist with happiness. { I do hope this improves with time. Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. As parents of a "broken home," my ex and I know in our hearts that we did as best as we could for as long as we could, but in the end, it didn't work. They are irritating and dismissive, and predicated on assumptions that may not be true for all of us, including the adage that time heals all wounds. But moving on is not as simple as a prescription, especially when the past is the present, and the present is indeed a bitter pill. Although she burdens me daily with spam, she's devoted and reliable. By this time you will have known the extent that you contributed towards ending your previous marriage and see the solution to avoid any more hurts in a second marriage. I do however, fear that my deep deep regret over leaving my husband and the associated guilt will eventually tear us apart. That includes old school values like honoring commitments, following through on responsibilities, working through issues rather than walking away. This is an excellent explaination of how divorce has affected me. I trust in God to get me through until the end. Well what I get out of it is I love her and hope and pray to the Lord that I get another opportunity with her since neither one of us are seeing or dating anyone after five years, And the reason why I dont trust other women is the result I got out of dating women the first two years trying to replace her which I could not I thought about her the entire time .The reason why I trust her is I created this mess and caused her to leave I was not the man I shouldve been . I am still sick about all of the deceit after being together since high school. For me, the pain will never go away. She left because she no longer wanted marriage and to go down the path we were heading e.g. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Accessibility Statement, 4 Myths About Cheating That Women Cling To. 15 years after divorce she is bubbling over with joy, energy and health. Never have found out exact reason, except maybe money. If you continue drinking to avert suffering, then this will never help you to heal, and your emotions towards life will only worsen. And its hard to have to share my daughter and grandchildren with my exs affair-partner-now-wife. But, it better be given deep and long thoughts the effects and consequences. You are welcome to reach out to me at, [emailprotected] Bless you! It affected my relationship with my children. When you ask your 21 year old how her mom is doing ,she says not good and starts sobbing. Thank you for this article! Most Famous Female Pop Artists of the 70s, The History of the Basketball The Actual Ball, Guide to the Absolutely Strangest Things on Earth, Strange and Unusual Ceremonies and Traditions Around the World. The process of divorce brings forth a torrent of pain, anger and cruelty, the detritus of which still hangs over me like a cloud. I wished I had not been so trusting and in love 21 years ago. Helen, you need the help of a good therapist or divorce coach. I found those comments an insult to the (what I thought) was a good marriage of course we had our ups and downs and a loving partnership. Concentrate on investments that would help you work out what is best for you and stop being obsessed about your ex-partner. I am deeply saddened reading the pain others feel and the hurt by being on the receiving end of divorce. According to multiple reports, the singer has requested to dismiss his divorce case against Princess. Thank you for expressing and sharing your thoughts. Deeply sad, and still in pain. While I respect and have empathy for the commentors (and wriiter) who have found another partner and know that this does not eradicate their pain I cannot help but wonder why not me? Personally, I consider these realizations to be hard-won wisdom. 20. Its a good thing too, for if I hadnt I know what I feel now would be far worse. what gets me thru life is God and my kids and grandkids . Allow Yourself to Be Jealous. Whether you're 32 years old or just 2, whether you're one-half of the once happily . I can go for weeks being fine, but then something will trigger all the pain, the guilt and the bewilderment. Wow. feelings of . A ten-year marriage is also considered to be a long-term marriage by the Social Security Administration. Divorce is hard on everyone. Better if you acknowledge the pain and express it openly instead of trying to deny it as if it doesnt exist at all. I still am working on my self and hope and pray she sees something in me again. "@type": "Question", Granted i have full custody of my two kids but whats broken can not be fixed with money or any tool in my tool box. It truly has broken my heart. Valerie and Jennifer hit it right on. We just needed to voice our shared experience. You just have to do the work and know some days you will still feel sadness. The deep pain of losing a relationship is based on the belief that your peace and your joy lies within the other person, and without them, you have no access to these feelings. And I have not been able to shake my own love for him, even though he hurt me so deeply. Now I do not trust myself for having been so wrong. Then she decided to take her Mom for a vacation to ensure that she was at peace and enjoy a new atmosphere outside the norm. To do that, you must first understand your divorce hangover. No anger but deep deep hurt. Many couples never recover from divorce because of feeding their minds with evil thoughts about your past marriage, calling and abusing your ex-partner. All you have to do is Be Still and trust in God, He will take care of the rest. My ex gave up her life,family and friends in another country to marry me 30 years ago. 'We were still in love when our marriage ended' I got divorced because of a communication breakdown (that oversimplifies it, really) but I regret it because we were probably still in love when. "text": "You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. While I am not a mom, I am a dad. I hate to think I will live and hurt the rest of my life like this, I just love her !! You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. Did I handle things negatively, sure did. Great article!!! The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce Know that even if says she is okay, underneath her smile, your friend is drowning in loss, your friend needs your help. My heart is breaking. I googled this lingering pain. Dwelling on what you should have done. If you can't see a therapist to talk to about your feelings, remember that self-care after a breakup is key. I come from a large family and all the memories of my wife are with them. He and the new wife (yes I still call her that) have been married the same amount of time we were. Its not easy to find realistic articles on the very-long-term type of pain resulting from a divorce, so this one was a breath of fresh air. I once experienced a lady who was struggling with the pain of overcoming separation alone and when I purposed to hold her hand, she started relaxing, and within a short time, life to her became a joyous one. And apparently, my sadness lingers at moments. He frankly pales in comparison but after all the lonely years and horrible men, I'm so grateful to have him. but it still remained as vague and dusky as the smoke from my cigarettes. The chances of you still loving your ex-husband or wife even after a divorce are high; you lived with this person and might even have thought it would work out for the rest of your lives. Ali November 14, 2015 At 1:56 pm. Dreams are broken but lives have to go on. I feel bad for my children always going in 2 directions and not having the support Symptoms of divorce-related depression can include any, or a combination of, the following: Sudden loss of interest in things you once enjoyed Loss of appetite Increase in appetite Weight loss or gain Difficulty sleeping Excessive irritability Rage Sudden insomnia Increased fatigue Difficulty focusing or concentrating Difficulty making decisions I wa interested in this website. It's over between Real Housewives of Atlanta star Drew Sidora and Ralph Pittman. To become part of the DivorcedMoms writing team, click submit below for our guidelines. Especially finding out about the other persons affair 2 years later and how it was happening for much longer. Look beyond your broken marriage, erase the thoughts of your Ex and concentrate on other matters. You would not be providing a broken home to a child, youd be providing love and stability and a father. "name": "Is moving on after divorce hard? This goes hand-in-hand with feeling your emotions. Divorce was 5 years ago. But that is life I am told and at 49 years old, starting over dirt poor and broken is not ideal. I will be praying for you Lerlie, and for each and everyone that have shared their pain and hurt as well on the comments. And sadness. He blamed me and said he had been unhappy for years. She is the single mother of two boys. I realize this website was for moms, but couldnt help but reply. Thank you for putting in words what so many people feel. "@type": "Answer", irritability. I was caring, nice, compassionate person, but people ignore me anyway. Transformational Coaching and Psychotherapy, Benjamin Schwarcz, MFT, ACAP-EFT, Santa Rosa Psychotherapist and Coach, Psychedelic Somatic Interactional Psychotherapy, EFT Clinical Consultation for Health Professionals, Tapping Into Joy: Meridian Tapping and Mindfulness for Depression. Divorce happened the year after I had retired. Almost 6 years later and it still hurts. The fact that she decided to blow me off and easily moved on to a wonderful life (without me) hurts a great deal. People will go to a bar t drink overnight to forget the pains in them. Ive been alone for over 12 years, the pain has definitely lessened, but there are times it still hurts & always will. 10 years is more than enough my dear. As for looking to a new love, I have no desire. Somehow, I have ended up the bad-guy. March 2, 2023, 8:09 AM. As such, it is essential to take up to 4 years to allow complete healing before you start dating. Intellectually I see all the reasons to be apart from him but buried deep in my heart I still have a longing for what was supposed to be. I received a summons to have my alimony modified. This also resonates with me. 8 years after my divorce, I am right there. College, med school, residency and air force payback and then he left us, filed while he was in another country. The hurt will never quite go away. All rights reserved. joanne. Yes, I am male. The worst part came a couple years later as I was sorting through papers to be destroyed. 2019 Divorced Moms. Its so tremendously hard to share these with the people (ex-husb and woman from affair now married, plus their families) that stood by and made my life absolutely miserable for a few years. Its pretty impossible to put into words how I feel after 5 years since our family disintegrated. Still, I can only imagine that he, too, senses the sorrow that is part of who I am. Poor Academic Performance On the midst of the storm, He has given me peace. I come back to these comments, to give me comfort in knowing that others still mourn the loss of what was and what could have been. I thought it would finally bring an end to feeling trapped, unhappy and hopeless. The accusations are almost laughable. We all grieve differently. My situation is without the financial issues now. you deserve to be happy and to have a fulfilling relationship. I divorced the following year. Please Click Here to Read Legal Disclaimer Before Utilizing this site. from their father when they need us both. Believe me, I've gotten my share of wide eyes of surprise when I say that I'm not interested in dating. Other people here have shown me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, and I cannot thank you all enough for that. And then the pandemic hit. I feel so sad for anyone in this position, and hope they get some relief in their situation. Why are you holding onto it? By Stephanie Downs - March 1, 2023 08:07 pm EST. It happens that even after ten years, the pain persists even if it was an amicable divorce. It makes me feel less alone, and it lets me know that its OK, Im not going crazy, haha! As Cheryl Lawrence says above, I live with dead dreams. Good luck! I have tried to console myself by saying, "leaving my ex was the most compassionate thing I could do since he deserved to be desired by someone". "name": "Can you be completely happy after divorce? Top 10 Mistakes Women Make After a Divorce Feeling like a failure. If you do find yourself feeling depressed, do not feel like you are alone and please seek medical advice immediately. Thank you for this article. Would you prefer to share this page with others by linking to it? "acceptedAnswer": { Sorry, but I needed to share. And regardless of its source, shouldnt we be allowed to acknowledge it when it returns, free to express our feelings openly? Within the last year, I ended my 20-year marriage after slowly coming to the realization that it was a codependent relationship. I certainly dont want someone back in my life who is capable of causing such sorrow in others and not giving a damn, but it feels like part of the family is missing. Joanne, Thank you Joanne. He didnt ask for forgiveness, nor can I find it in my heart to forgive him the hurt and emptiness is too deep. I will say this never again will I give any women a chance to hurt me . But thats good, hes learning from his father, its ok to feel certain emotions, no matter how much time has passed. Marriages are meant to be enjoyed, not endured. Good article and I will add to it. Perhaps it arises on those occasions that invariably spark old memories. Know how you feel, Sheila, & there is no easy way through the pain. I will never finally get over it I suppose. Am I happy where I am now, DEFINITELY. Divorce can be worse than dying. But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. I do not want to feel this pain ever again. Its good to see Im not alone. "text": "Its possible for your divorce to haunt you even after years as you struggle emotionally over how your marriage ended, how easily your spouse moved on, and how hard it is to negotiate the ebbs and flows of life." I truly struggle for what was and more for the family and and life I once knew. Every former boyfriend has told me I am still in love with him. I did not handle the divorce well. The more you feed your mind with positive thoughts, the more you can overcome. Im normal, Its normal to feel happy and sad, gain and loss after so many years. An example is engaging in mind teasing activities, for instance going back to school for your masters on a part-time basis. I want to heal, move in, live with joy and pursue my dreams! I think, for me, I will never fully recover from the betrayal of the life my ex and I had created over 25 years. You arent able to create what society defines as a nuclear family but, if youre receptive, you are able to create a family any child, especially an orphan would love to be part of. Perhaps it is an aftereffect of the years I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. a loss of appetite. 1. He sees them now as we live 5 minutes away. After 28 years, my husband wanted a life with a very younger woman and has subsequently erased his family. 6-12 years. The judgement by others(including family) has been searing. We have 2 grown children now1 doing very well, the other still trying to find his way. Why was I the one invited to the party but not given a piece of cake (again?). but I met her when I was 20 and she was 17 . As others, I am so glad I found this article, and reading the comments I now realise I am not being stupid. I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. In my 60s, I have nothing to look forward to, just existing each day. I guess Im the oldest divorcee here meaning my divorce was in 2003. That morning somehow felt like a pivotal moment in my life. This will only relieve the pain for one day and stall the healing process. During the first six months of separation, women are more prone to symptoms of depression, poor health, loneliness, work inefficiency, insomnia, memory difficulties, and increased substance abuse. We dont need another answer, do we? A moth named Once-married Underwing (Catocala unijuga) curiously rests beneath the eaves today. It is 14 years since he walked out on 30 years of being together, 29 of those married, and he is now married to the woman he had the affair with. I am glad I read this. I decided that we had no passion or at least I had little to none for him and I wasn't willing to work very hard on it. I feel I was used long enough to help her get her Masters degree and pay bills then I was no longer needed. Then the shoe dropped. But the pain lingers under the surface always. D. A. has written for print magazines and newspapers, and she is a regular contributor to Huffington Post Divorce, The Good Men Project, Read MoreFind me on Twitter. With both of us attending 2 of our childrens graduations, the sadness creeped up on me and has been lingering. I am fairly young (late-30s), and I still feel that I want children. I encourage you, if you are not already doing so, to have those moments alone with Jesus, talk to Him, He is not only our healer but also Your friend that Loves you so dearly It's important to set some achievable goals. I have tried counselling, forgiveness, keeping very busy, yoga and meditation anything and everything recommended, but I cant let go and have a constant deep sadness. But I could not stop it. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. I thought I was the only person who had these feelings as other people seem to move on so quickly. Don't give up on yourself or your life for a mistake you think you made 10 years ago. }. It hurts badly, no matter how long. Make a bucket list of places and things you want to do and see. Not all things cost money that you can do or see! One of the most critical elements to healing is to spend time with people who will cheer you up, show you about positive things outside your broken marriage and work towards your healing. Mental health experts agree that divorce is comparable to the loss of a loved one, which makes sense given that you're suffering the loss of a marriage and all that goes with it. Ive been divorced for 1 year and 3 months after a very messy separation and 17 year relationship. Copy and paste it, adding a note of your own, into your blog, a Web page, forums, a blog comment, Most days I only want to lay around and play videogames. Many men divorce and move on in just a few months, while others take years to go . I hurt for my children and having to share new memories with her and that part makes me sad. We must live with the choices we made and carry on, I dont feel bitter just very sad x, Yes, that is exactly what we & countless others must do. Accept, move on and be ready to overcome any challenges that come along the way. But that fact doesnt erase the sadness of having said I do to a man who is the father of my children, and who became a stranger to me. Toughing it out. My head knows the Lawsuit has no value. Its a terrible gnawing that can be pushed to the far back but doesnt seem to go away. I saw my ex at a social function. So much collateral damage. I was excited about the changes I could see or at least was trying to reach. You really cant talk to anyone about it. I have really enjoyed reading everyones story and I realise now that I am very normal 10 years on. You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. },{ He is now married to the woman he left me for, after 30 years together. For example, youre allowing your thoughts of adoption to be muddied by thoughts of the way it should be. Will this date ever come without me noticing? ", trouble sleeping or insomnia. Therefore, it is essential to keep a distance and think positive about yourself. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Three kids and 15 years later we divorced. It will only increase the hurts and pains which will also affect your health. The main reason as to why this is experienced in the lives of people who have separated is because of the good memories that were shared while in marriage, the obstacles that they overcame make people still the hurt and especially if they have a challenge that needs a partner to step in and support. If you were married for ten years of longer, you will be eligible to collect derivative Social Security benefits based on your ex-spouse's earnings record when you reach retirement age (if you aren't married to someone else at the time . I will care for her as long as I am physically able, but I am so sad that I have to go through this alone, and one day, she will pass away and I will be alone in my pain and sorrow at her passing. Thanks agai, appreciate what youve written. } Nobody really understands. Its like I never existed in her world. Commit yourself to enjoy life and move on without fear. How shes by herself, struggling financially and emotionally . They say it takes a year per year that you were married to heal. Its now 10 years since my husband walked out after 29 years of marriage, and having had an affair with his now partner for eight months before he did so. I am proud of all you women as I am proud of myself, for making it through. it has been 5 years she is with no one and I am not eather . Life is very cruel to people who do the right thing and the people who lie, cheat, steal and betray just seem to get on with life as if nothing has happened. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. However, there are plenty of ways to fight off the causes of depression, and a good support group will help you get through the worst parts of the divorce without it having a major impact on your life moving forward. Dont accept any blame..it was just an excuse & helped your ex rationalize his behavior. Still sometimes sad about not having the life I expected. You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. After a breakup, I like most people, feel like a shell of a woman, with no hope for a better future. Ive tried everything to move on, apart from actively seeking another partner. And the recent weddings for two of our sons? After 25 years of marriage, including couples therapy near the end, my husband left, already in a relationship with another woman. I do not miss him or want him back, I miss the shared life that we once had and the family and shared traditions that still happen and carry on with the person he left me for. house, kids, American Dream. Not feeling your feelings. Help Is Here. Might have been easier on me emotionally if he had died. I somewhat relate to you (except that my 2 adult kids do see reality and stand by my side, and at the same time love their dad, which is better for their own well being). },{ And yes, so much collateral damage. Effects of Divorce on Children: 6 to 11 Years Old. Great article. I am coming to terms with that but its hard. Agree. If we don't bounce back, that means the healing is. I cannot be the women I was before, and I do not know who I am now. He was my one and only love and there will not be another, whilst he has remarried a girl in SE Asia who is only 25 years old.