Zinnia Wormwood: She found a small cottage. This uncorrupted mind. The most precious gift the natural world can bestow upon us has been handed to you. . Who would be here to sign for the packages? I told you I was supposed to start school in September. RUDOLPHO Matilda, isn't it? That's not fair at all! Just knock on the door. Mrs. Wormwood: "A contract was signed to perform this feat, and perform this feat you shall! and the great performers would instantly oblige with the most spectacular show, just for them. CHILDREN How about this. The seed of a war in the creak of a floorboard. MATILDA . Miss Honey taught us how to spell a long word yesterday. My daddy says I should learn to shut my pie-hole. I think you've got something in your eye. Don't tell me. Agatha Trunchbull: Million $ Sticky Host: See how my trophies gleam in the sunlight? A purple spotlight starts to make its way from Bruce across the classroom. A member of the mafia! MISS TRUNCHBULL Michael: Wait, Dad, you're going too fast. You're going to hug all the air out of me. Eat. DOCTOR Thought you'd pay me back, didn't you? Well, I needed to learn to read words so that I could read sentences. Narrator: . And worst of all, when the girl was five, her father died. Miracle! Tomorrow at one? Good-bye, Miss Honey. Is it some modern miracle of calculus That is v . I slave all day, and you're entertaining a couple of surfer dude bodybuilders! BIG KIDS [She throws the baton across the stage, does a jet to catch it, and points her finger at MISS HONEY.] NIGEL, TOMMY This it not your problem. Overall, the best pickup line is one that is creative and original. MR WORMWOOD takes a mirror that MRS WORMWOOD brandishes. My mummy says I'm a jumped-up little germ, So you're Wormwood, are you? You'll be punished so severely if you step out of line. An exception. I mean, it's just not normal for a girl to be all . And you may sit and read while I teach the others, and, well, if you have any questions, I shall do my best to answer them. MISS HONEYbeckons MATILDA to the back of the class. Oh, very rich. it isn't fair! BIG KID [BEN] All right. MRS WORMWOOD I'd love to read to you some time. Loud, loud, loud, loud! FBI Agent Bob: They never stood a chance. MATILDA [She turns the screens back on.]. Yes, sir. This child doesn't have a "thingie" . Don't be disgusting! You can be all cynical, I shall consign you to the seventh circle of hell, child. [TV Version] Agatha Trunchbull: . She opens a book. Conclusion - Best Pick Up Lines. Flashbulbs go off. . Science pick up lines 1. But I've got a baby! Thirteen times two is twenty-six. . The most common thing in life is life . . ? With every swallow, you are tightening the noose. . [snatching the book from Matilda and tears the pages out of the cover]. There's nothing to fear. Might as well be saying you think that it's okay, Four COUPLES, crouched down behind the table, begin to stand and speak. The vanity rises again, signifying morning. It is said that we humans use only a tiny portion of our brains. Oh, parle Italiano? You're being pathetic! My daddy says I'm his special little guy. PARTY ENTERTAINER But it's a truth empirical MISS TRUNCHBULL runs in, blowing on her whistle, and chases ERIC down until he is pulled into formation by two BIG KIDS. A little more bah-da, ba ba ba-da bom! But if I try I can remember, But it's a truth empirical. <> MISS TRUNCHBULL From the grunt I had practiced for many a month? pregnant! A little less fact, a lot more feel. Harry Wormwood: The most beautiful miracle I have ever seen! I'm not hinting, but if you did happen to have a story you wanted . . A shrimp. Girl, you've gotta learn to stand up and stick out from the If you want to throw the hammer for your country. In other words, a pick-up line is an icebreaker or a conversation opener. 4. Miracle! [hands the car drill to Mikey, then walks to Matilda] ESCAPOLOGIST [off-stage] When I'm finished with you, you're gonna look like roadkill! Oh, cook . I've got my deal today with the Russians. You will be put away in a place where not even the crows can land their droppings on you! RG0 She says if I'm keen, I have to cut down on the cream, Agatha Trunchbull: Harry Wormwood: ], [She turns and walks back to her desk. I shall pound you. Nine times two is eighteen. MATILDA Two, three, four! . . . An audience cheers. For men. Angrily, MISS TRUNCHBULL looks from NIGEL to MATILDA and back. BIG KID [TAYLOR] [bends down] MISS TRUNCHBULL [sees a painting of Ms. Trunchbull] Me, me, me, me. MAN: We'll have to change his school. Matilda: In all of Hooterville, where there's Hooters supreme, yours are the best of the Hooters I've seen. [throws carrot from the spoon. You'll fit it in. [She holds her hand out to MATILDA, who takes it.] Past Matilda. One second, Dad. DOCTOR . . Stories. Who do you think I am, Miss Honey? . What about the Bi-Annual International Amateur Salsa and Ballroom Dancing Championships? A book? Some rats are gonna die today. Of course I am. MATILDA stands at the front of the stage as her classmates walk in and the desks rise from the ground. He got a C on his report! Corny, sweet, and funny all in one. An idiot? CHILDREN 2 What a pleasure to see you. If you want to throw the hammer for your country. As of now, that's 1 line for each agent currently in the game. When I left my home, Aunt Trunchbull's home, I had to leave all my treasures behind. Life's a ball, so learn to throw it, . . Green hair? MATILDA said the wife, smiling sadly and slipping her hand into his. We're rehearsing. A spotlight makes its way across the letters on the board, finally settling at the end on the letter Z. MR WORMWOOD The library? Well, then stop her reading! Claiming that they know stuff we don't know. I'll tell you when you are full. [She flicks the screens off again.] 7. You are a crook. The stage goes black. Please! It was the biggest burp I had ever done. I think she might be an idiot. You know, sometimes I think there's something wrong with that girl. We all get carried away sometimes. MRS WORMWOOD Harry Wormwood: I sold it for $2,269. What's wrong with you? MRS WORMWOOD That's exactly what you've done. It's out of the question. You google_ad_host="pub-6693688277674466"; Oh, that's where it's at! I can! Quite a long way, I think. Agatha Trunchbull: I'm great! MISS HONEY enters and turns away in shock. Jane Eyre . MATILDA CHILDREN The woman from COUPLE 1 blows on a birthday cake as the table splits in two and MATILDA stands from behind it, holding a collection of books from one hand. Roald Dahl's Matilda The Musical. You can't. Who you been talking to? How far can you go? Ah-ah-aah-ah MR WORMWOOD She then sniffs her way across the room, following the former path of the spotlight. The time has come to put that tumbly-tum to use. Mustn't let a little thing like "little" stop you. No one's gonna care if you don't care, Mr. Wormwood. Whoa! 4. Mrs. F-F-I. Fourteen times two is twenty-eight. Pp6Q &_!Ekp?$w_AG[nU6v^^Wo:9o>:. The desks descend into the ground. That I'm as tiny and as shiny as a . Stood! I warn you, sir, I want a tight car, because I run a tight ship. MR WORMWOOD The sooner you're locked up in that school, the better. Oil of Violets hair tonic. [after listing prices of cars bought and sold]. Zinnia Wormwood: [as Harry switches on Matilda's lamp] "You Must Be Worried Now That Donald Trump is President Because He Would Deport You Back to Heaven." Oh, my undercarriage doesn't feel quite normal. With an owchie . A life. The Burning Woman, Hurling Through the Air, with Dynamite in Her Hair, Over Sharks and Spiky Objects, Caught By the Man Locked in a Cage has been . It's the Trunchbull's speciality. MATILDA I don't know anybody who did. Lights up. Harry Wormwood: To survive this mess by being a prince or a princess. What? Absolutely, sir! Come along, Bogtrotter. That's where Ms. Trunchbull lives. MISS HONEY faces the audience and raises her fist. MISS HONEY, BIG KIDS, and CHILDREN We can spell "difficulty". No! [yells] Narrator: It's time you learned the family business. But here it is, coming true: The 3rd cost $68. A wonderful new person is about to come into your life to bring love, and magic, and happiness, and wonder! Might have been nice, COUPLE 4 So, erm . Don't be pathetic! 3. He should have thought of that before he made a pact with Satan and decided to steal my cake! Even time loves us.". Oh, Matilda, this is very sad! She stands paralyzed in fear. Well, you got a light. Yep! "Lovely"? Narrator: I'm afraid I've not been too successful in getting others to recognize your . I mean . Did you see all those packages outside? I love your stories, Matilda! MISS HONEY "It is called," said the husband, announcing the event to the world's press, who had gathered to listen with bated breath [The voice of the ESCAPOLOGIST echoes her words.] Mum, would you like to hear a story? MATILDA grabs her books and runs off the front of the stage. MATILDA Lovekins, where's my breakfast? Just you wait for phys-ed. We cannot simply place her in the top form with the eleven-year-olds. You wouldn't beat them in a race! This is one of the most beautiful children I've ever seen. I'm competing in the Bi-Annual International Amateur Salsa and Ballroom Dancing Championships in Paris. Matilda: No, not there! No! Two other dancing teams come in and join MRS WORMWOOD and RUDOLPHO in the competition. Good-bye, Mrs Phelps. And this gown is nothing like the semi-formal, . This miracle . As I stepped up to the circle, did I change my plan? I don't know if my nerves will make it until tomorrow. See, I know your headmistress. I think we'd better leave it there, Nigel. . Honest. MISS HONEY I've often thought about it, but I can't abandon my children. Suddenly, out came the Escapologist, dressed as usual in his tights and spangly costume. The less you have to sell, the harder you sell it. Chew your food; you're an animal! [She takes MATILDA by the wrist and leads her to ERIC's desk.] Goofs Bambinatum! Agatha Trunchbull: Are you being smart with me? Trunchbull: The DOCTOR, MR WORMWOOD, and a male nurse enter. Tricks!" The police decided he killed himself. MISS TRUNCHBULL flails victoriously, then starts blowing her whistle. [Harry takes his first look at Matilda, grunts, and leaves]. My, my, that is good. MISS TRUNCHBULL Quick, jackets! The tiniest mite packs the mightiest sting. "thinking". Am I wrong? If I were a cat I'd spend all 9 lives with you. [she shoves Jenny out of her office and slams the door after her]. RUDOLPHO dances across the back of the stage. I've got a plane to catch at three. You gotta get up! The announcer from MISS TRUNCHBULL's videos starts commentating. She holds up the final "10". Eleven times two is twenty-two. . MATILDA . LAVENDER Matilda: And . I'm Lavender, and I think it's probably for the best if we're best friends! MRS WORMWOOD I am off to bleach my roots . MRS WORMWOOD My mummy says I'm a miracle. All right. MATILDA [She murmurs along to the music.] Everything was arranged by [She pulls her coat over her head to simulate a hunchback, and grabs a large book.] RUDOLPHO Agatha Trunchbull: A really strong stomach. Harry Wormwood: He's going to blow. RUDOLPHO Am I . [Miss Trunchbull has accused Matilda of going into her house]. [looks at Miss Honey and warning the children they were watching us] My daddy says I'm his special little . Please, stand, and do as much as you can. Narrator: What is your name? I think they just fit. That's right, honey, look at mummy. This calls for a proper smoke. YoU listen here, my dear, MATILDA Now, can anyone read this? What are you waiting for? Matilda is a American fantasy comedy film co-produced and directed by Danny DeVito, from a screenplay written by Nicholas Kazan and Robin Swicord. B-R-O-O-C-E! With a little help from us, she could go to university before she . Not a detail of my throw was adjusted or forgotten. No excuse, Bruce. And do you tell them lots of stories like you do with me? MISS TRUNCHBULL Is there still time for the Bi-Annual Inter-Championship Amateur Sausage . Sorry, Miss Trunchbull. And, while you're at it, why don't you stick your stupid book to your stupid head? Where he's been for the last hour, actually. No, it's a library book! AAAHH! . Harry Wormwood: Miss Trunchbull, Matilda Wormwood is a genius! Boys and girls! 3. Bye-bye, sir. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse. I got carried away. You fool! BRUCE turns back around and the scene unfreezes. Don't just stand there like a wet tissue. MATILDA A weakling? She sat down, and when she got up . Yes. This child is a girl. An extraordinary girl with a sharp mind and a vivid imagination takes a daring stand to change her story with miraculous results. And honestly, I was really, definitely, sort of, almost thinking about owning up. Written by Trunchbull on the blackboard: WOMAN: She is clearly more emotionally developed than her peers. Smells chocolatey, eh? You chose books. (Bruce!) They will probably say: "Yuck!" 3. You're supposed to be teaching SPELLING, not poetry! I really hope you have a search warrant. The table stops and the hands hit the ground. 4. to the rules. . Mustn't let a little thing like "little" stop you. What?! This must confirm, Bruce, 1. They performed some of the most incredible feats together anyone has ever seen. You are a thief! This boy, Bruce Bogtrotter, is none other than a vicious sneak thief! //-->. Harry Wormwood: I can be a soldier. This boy's got no fingie. It's not a cheap set, it's a stolen set! It's . To survive this mess by Being a prince or a princess. No kid likes being yelled at, but it was precisely Harry's ranting and raving that gave Matilda the key to her power. It gives me a warm glow in my lower intestine. Zinnia Wormwood: . Dad says I should watch more TV. The scene unfreezes. One can hardly move for beauty and brilliance these days. A large iron gate made of square holes of various sizes rolls in from both sides of the stage. Matilda : I wonder what Miss Trunchbull is afraid of. A fool? front bottom. Miss Honey: [Talking about the cake] You know what interruptions do to my energy flow. Opening lines from children's books to capture new readers, to inspire writers, to reminisce with old favourites. DOCTOR When a person is bad, that person has to be taught a lesson! [appalled at Zinnia talking with FBI agents Bill and Bob] And the 4th cost $1,100. "It is our destiny ". I invite you to reply with your own cheesy agent pickup lines, as long as they aren't crossing the line of harassment (actually scrapped a Reyna line for that reason). And . MISS TRUNCHBULL Of course they didn't believe me: I've got green hair! MATILDA starts pouring the hair dye into the Oil of Violets bottle. FBI Agent Bill: Nonsense. CHILDREN MR WORMWOOD Just write. He surely can't! TOMMY I think he blinked. She puts down the large block and MATILDA stands on it. . You really don't know anything, do you? "I'm right and you're wrong, I'm big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it.". A bell rings. Zinnia Wormwood: You didn't like the chokey, did you? . As I started my spin, did I look at the view? NIGEL runs in up the steps stage left, screaming. MR WORMWOOD runs over and grabs MATILDA's book. Every day starts with the tick of a clock. MISS HONEY Why? Agatha, This is Magnus. MISS TRUNCHBULL The initial impression you make is memorable, so make it count. If you always take it on the chin and wear it, Is a miracle! MATILDA And that's not right. Oil of Violets hair tonic for men. NIGEL leans forward in concentration and groans in agony several times. DOCTOR But this little girl . The Wormwoods laugh. Write this down. Trunchbull: MRS PHELPS No, Miss Trunchbull. If you became ill, heaven forbid, your doctor would be a college graduate. Or just a coincidence? To read? Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it. I chose looks! An unhatched tadpole. It is, is it? ERIC, TOMMY, and BRUCE MRS WORMWOOD MATILDA hides the glue behind her back as MR WORMWOOD enters. Come on, Bruce, be our hero. Yes. I am FULLwhen and onlywhen the Headmistress says I am FULL. . 13. He stands up on a block. [as the TV explodes, due to Matilda's powers] All I can say is, thank heavens Michael has inherited his old man's brains, eh, son? ACT 1. MATILDA [He slides down on his thighs stage left.]. A brand new human being! [She presses an intercom on her desk.] MAN: Don't put honey on your brother. . Mrs. ACROBAT [off-stage] Nothing will change. Who the hell do they think they are? Oh my. . . It's just pathetic. MRS WORMWOOD Matilda quotes are certainly quotable for movie fans. MRS PHELPS . The CHILDREN and BIG KIDS hang their heads. PICK UP LINES! . Now, here's a tip: It's a good thing I have my library. My hands are tied. Shut up! Zinnia Wormwood: I believe that . BRUCE . Haven't I just told you that she is a gangster? Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it. Tricks!" . BIG KIDS approach and start climbing onto the gate and grabbing the CHILDREN from behind it. Miss Honey, please don't let them Harry Wormwood: .