are you creating multiple accounts to like your own comments? Is he supposed to just bend over and let her decide how his life is going to go, until the day he dies, just because they had sex once? Regardless, I again find a double standard in saying he must be scum to not want to be in the childs life but that opting to give a child up for adoption is a perfectly viable choice for a woman. Get tested for an std too because your love obviously did not use a condom. Now Im confused. April 10, 2012, 12:00 am. April 9, 2012, 5:19 pm, Its easy to think the guy is a scumbag for not wanting to be a dad. Steve Kellmeyer In the same situation currently. Being on the Pill is akin to saying that youre not interested in having children, so I think its not completely invalid for him to assume she wasnt ready to have children, and to be angry when he ends up being forced into fatherhood.. Im pretty surprised by some of the stances shes made on this thread and I do enjoy and almost always agree with her comments. April 9, 2012, 1:10 pm. all the time i thought so until 1 faithful day, i got pregnant. lets_be_honest Her mother supported her and helped raise my sister for the first couple of years. Im a 29-year old mother of two children, and I was in a relationship for 4 years with a man (not the father of my kids), and he has a daughter from a previous relationship as well. She left me for him and and now wants me back. Not exactly. Thats a dudes view. Dude, thats seriously out of line. Merely that it is an immense expense for the man for a situation that he didnt want a situation which, as I said, the woman is never forced to endure. So much that he demanded his interim girlfriend get an abortion. 1 mth after we got together, he cheated and got a girl pregnant. No clearly this is a brilliant way to be supported for life. Oh, may be you should marry him and fantasize what kind of fun he is having whenever hes late coming home, or fearful he would leave you when you, like that woman, passed 40; or be told to get rid of your baby who is inconvenient to him. If men abandon a child, you have a child with needs that take precedent over fairness to the abandoning parent. REALLY? Birth control isnt full-proof. The idea that he owes his life to her now that hes fathered her child is precisely the reason so many people are in unhappy marriages and there is such a high number of marital affairs. But I guess I looked at it a lot like a woman adopting a baby alone would. The hand and fingers were all bright red and black-and-blue under the nails. AndreaMarie Any complications from the abortion would be hers to bear, not his. Even if this baby malarky goes away, even if this woman only demands financial support and nothing else from your boyfriend, this sort of drama will be your life if you stay with him. For anyone. Ive known people who thought of abortions as no big deal who opted to keep unexpected and poorly timed pregnancies, and people who thought theyd never consider an abortion but who ultimately ended up having one. However, my father got primary physical placement, and my mother got 4 hours of visitation a week, and THAT is what dictated child support (or would have if she could have afforded to pay it). If you are sure to always love, support, and listen to your child, he/she will be just fine! You are the one who is keeping this rollercoaster of a relationship going with him. And, in fact, there is arguably no way for the woman to actually be 100% certain of her final attitude prior to becoming pregnant. You sure arent one. The only innocent victim in this situation is that poor child. I know you have to keep the possibility in the back of your mind, but youve really been ready and willing for motherhood every time youve decided to sleep with someone? Im really astounded that you would say something so flippant like women can get support for 20+ years, as if its nothing! feelingroovy But really, no one knows his true reaction. Pretty sure this: and he is furious with this woman for keeping the baby is the browbeat part. skyblossom What happens when *she* gets pregnant and he still doesnt want to be a father? LOL. In many states men can declare themselves non-fathers. Whos the daddy? You and the baby are the victims. April 10, 2012, 5:55 pm, Heterophobe, hmmm, thats new one. Its like people that think women become foster parents for the money. I dont have an opinion on your status of human or troll via DW forums. It doesnt matter whether he wants to be with this woman or not, your boyfriend made half of this baby and has an obligation to be a father figure to it. It doesnt have to toss a ball with you to help with your rehab or take pictures of you with your new arm. thats why both parties should be concerned about preventing pregnancy because you have no idea what the other person is doing. I think I said that about my boyfriend was I was about 15. reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): A I have no doubt theyll be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted with a mom so loving as you! SpaceySteph I dont see anything wrong with his points. April 9, 2012, 3:57 pm. And, you are not the choice. Im not saying I think he should get any sort of say in it, but why are we so quick to deride his emotional response to an accidental life-altering event that, in his mind, could have been corrected, but isnt going to be due to someone elses decision? If you loved him, you wouldn't toss the relationship. James Felix Theyre young but are certain that theyll be together forever. At the time, he said he would wait years for me - until he could be with me. I blocked his number, but 2-3 weeks laterhe was calling me from his job, calling me through Facebook, and calling me from a private number. Im NOT saying she should abort, just that shes an idiot & she shouldnt expect a one-night stander to suddenly be a father. Still, if I were the LW and I saw my newly reunited BF acting this way about his soon to be born child, Id get the heck out of there. Absolutely, positively, 100% wrong. And I called him out on condom use because truly that should be something we all think about when having non-monogamous sex EVEN if the woman is taking another form of birth control. Government will go after him for either Medical Support and/or Child Support. April 9, 2012, 7:31 pm, It is interesting that I have never met anybody with HIV who just magically got that way Instead, they have all been very upfront and honest about their mistakes I was careless Meaning they dont claim have been wearing a condom when they werent. The female of the species carry the offspring. It only says he asked her to. 6napkinburger Whether or not she trapped him is irrelevant, in my opinion. And we dont really know that she actually said shes on the pill or if she is indeed really pregnant or if the lw truly wants him to go off and marry the other woman. IMO there are probably better ways to deal w/ the more egregious incidents of paternity fraud. April 9, 2012, 12:39 pm. The adoption process has a pretty involved vetting procedure- meaning that birth parents can reasonably assume the child will be cared for by the adoptive parent or parents. Id confirm that hes actually the father. Abandoning a child does. What sounded nice in theory is not sounding so great to Jimmy in reality. Clearly it is horribly wrong to lie about that but thats not the argument here. In the vast majority of cases, these relationships do not last long and serve solely to be a . Well, there are more than a million people who have been unexpectedly pregnant in this country, so arguably those risks are higher. haha I agree. The pull out method? Whatever happened to you to make you hate women doesnt have to mean a lifetime of whiny bitterness. Bless her heart. (yes, I know, lifes unfair). But I think that both people have equal responsibility and equal rights in expressing a view. April 10, 2012, 10:14 pm, if a man has sex with a woman, they should be prepared to pay dearly for it for the rest of their lives. Or pining away for a father figure theyll never, ever have? reader, Junebug2589+, writes (22 November 2008): A Your boyfriend is a scumbag and you should probably not have anything to do with him. He says he cant stand her? Not your wallet, not your choice. You seem to put a lot of blame on her, but you do know that he was there too, right? I think this man, regardless his quality of character in other situations, demonstrates good foresight in deciding that no, hes not ready to be a father. Healthy relationships don't come from a situation like this.. I said there and I think it bears repeating here: you have no right to assume the woman you are having sex with has the same views on abortion as you. .you can call me whatever you like. But youre too stupid/gullible to be angry at him. P.S. Idiots like the guy in the letter, dont. Thats all well and good except it didnt happen and now theyre in this situation. Im only speaking on speculation, of course, since I was not a part of the situation and only heard about from him. All my friends want me to leave him, saying it's not worth it anymore. We were together for 2 1/2 years, lived together, got a dog together, talked about mar. This is not true, and I say this because a (male) friend of mine went through this a few years ago. LW, your BF impregnates another woman AND you think that you are entitled to an opinion about whether she should keep her unborn child? And because a mans physical committment to the pregnancy ends after coming, the woman gets to make the call. Like most men are running around handing out free money to them without them having to fight for it. Quit acting like hes so hard done by by this woman and tell him to get some responsibility. Heh, are you suuuuure you still want to be a professional therapist? If a man has sex with a woman he should be prepared for the possibility that it could result in child support payments. Yes, no birth control is perfect, blah blah. But sometimes, we don't even realize just how painful they are until after they've happened, and the person you love . But it doesnt matter what you think of her or her decision to carry your boyfriends baby. So this guy sleeps with the first gal that catches his attention, but he only has eyes for you? female And hopefully this childs mother will, too. And the LW is making it seem as if her poor bf did nothing. And Im not sure what his being 40 years old has to do with her getting an abortion. But then, I guess I like giving people the benefit of the doubt. If the guy just walked away and contributed nothing, then that would be exactly akin to most adoptions, which, essentially, just mean letting someone else take care of your child. The scapegoats arent really the point- women, minorities, the government, poor people, rich people- it doesnt really matter. 2.6K views, 5 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 44 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Wildheart: **Miracle Baby Or Mistaken Baby- Man Denies Having Baby With Wife (Full Episode) - Paternity Court **. These are not discussions about angels dancing on the head of a pin there is a child that needs financial support during his/her life. She has to go through a pregnancy no matter what (assuming she doesnt believe in abortion). I think that it does, as most have pointed out, take two people to get pregnant. 60+ years on this ball-o-dirt and witnessing the madness going on around this place, as well as being an honest-to-God Christian. They talk, hed says hed rather not have a kid and would like her to get an abortion. You know what bothers me, if the lady wasnt pregnant would he have told you of the affair? What I see is a huge surge of anger at the guy and all sorts of reflections on what type of person he must be, and relatively little anger towards the woman, whose pregnancy and right to bear the child are apparently sacrosanct. lets_be_honest Iwannatalktosampson He willingly engaged in sex (apparently without a condom) with a woman he knew for two minutes. guys..youre not gonna get anywhere with this one. I dont know why you dont understand that people think this guy is a scum, because he has said that he is going to be a deadbeat dad, and is pretty much taking no responsibility for what happened. iseeshiny 4. stop stressing so much.many children are born under worse circumstances the guy and his ex its their problem to solve not yours. haha. I believe that, in the case of consensual sex leading to pregnancy, both parties would be able to decide if they want to keep the child, and if the man doesnt and the woman does, she should bear full responsibility for child care, because it is a decision she has made. But, seriously you should both get tested for STDs. If you dont want to potentially end up with a kid with a woman you cant stand, dont have sex with her. They probably hang out for a few weeks more, she kind of gets on his nerves for whatever reason and starts to bug the shit out of him. When I hit the ground, I jumped up, pulled the safety clip off the release assembly and slapped it. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Why he would be furious with anyone other than himself is beyond me. SpaceySteph Any woman who cant see the pleasure in such a sacrifice is too selfish to be in a relationship. You cant bear life without each other yet hes untrappable? Forcing him to stay with her isnt going to make anyone happy at all. Id drop this guy in a heartbeat. Has a great job. Many women become habituated to the hormone regimen and begin ovulating again, even while on the pill. I dont see why this issue is any different. Sure. I cried and felt so depressed. The fact that you just knew your boyfriend got another girl pregnant before you start dating him shows that both of you is lacking a good communication way. Susie is lost. 4. Its not a comparable situation at all. 2. Hell, as a parent, I probably should never drive to get coffee because Im risking death in an accident for something I dont need, and yes, I do know that people die in car accidents. I agree with SweetsandBeets. I-RIGHT-I But I almost laughed out loud when I read untrappable. If someone ahead of you slams on their brakes because they want to read a billboard and you hit them, Id guess youd be not be upset, because its your fault and youre aware that cars ahead of you can stop at any point. If you and a person you want to sleep with are not on the same page on what should happen in case of accidental pregnancy, dont have sex with them. Or, she may have seemed supportive during the relationship, but . Painted_lady I think the LW comes across as bitter and resentful and would rather blame the other woman, making her out to be the villain, than to admit that she and her ex really might not belong together. Cowards who abandon responsibility when they dont want to deal with it dont make good partners. Whats your personal experience with forced fatherhood, no say over an abortion or crippling child support? Temperance This desicion has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Dont let him use you because his life is in chaos now. Oh yeah, because plenty of men already have no problem abandoning AND not paying. Its not some big secret that women have that option and that men are legally obligated to provide financially if she exercises that option. I was a completely amicable situation and hes had no issue with this arrangement and its been many years. 3) A parent leaving their child with the other parent, especially one they barely know, isnt the same as putting a child up for adoption. But it is a dickish move to get someone pregnant and then decide youre not going to be involved in that childs life. If he doesnt do this, and the woman gets pregnant anyways, he needs to show maturity and be responsible for his decisions. Here are the 5 signs that he/she is in one: They started the relationship before they ended it (or as they were ending it) with you.. If someone decides to risk becoming a parent by having sex, especially unprotected sex, or by letting a pregnancy continue to the point where a baby is born, they are consenting to be responsible for any child that is produced. Who are we talking about now? At the point where he had options he chose one that could result in a pregnancy. We all know breakups are painful. Your 40-year-old ex-boyfriend sounds like an immature, irresponsible, whiney person. How very astute of you to notice the fundamental difference between the genders. In the case where a woman goes to prison because she raped a kid, you can bet theyre going to hit her up for child support too. No loss there. but all those prominent male politicians usually turn out to be gay and not hetero at all.. bittergaymark The sex was good. It doesnt sound like hes ready to be a one-woman man and get married (let alone start a family), and it doesnt sound like the LW is entirely willing and able to deal with being with a man who has fathered a child that isnt theirs. .. but what if she did deceive him? Dee S. Advocate And without condoms?! The woman then apparently became pregnant with apparently the guys child. so many unwanted and unplanned pregnancies could be prevented if people just showed more interested and care in using birth control. Offers may be subject to change without notice. Other times, breakups are not so obvious, and that can leave you questioning your decision. You seem to have completely missed the point that virtually anything we do involves risk, and that doing those things doesnt mean were prepared for any possible consequence at any time. Sad that the life you thought was going to happen when you got back with the BF is going to get messier? April 10, 2012, 10:20 pm. Not your body, not your choice. I think hes allowed to have an opinion about the woman after all, hes about to be handcuffed to her for the next 19 years or so. I wanted to be the one who had a baby with . And yes, women do use the laws to trap men into financing their lifestyle of choice (as a single mother).. Even if shes annoying, shes more than a hole for him to stick it in, and it would bother me to know my BF had just used another human being as a glorified masturbatory aid. Again, this implies that a pregnancy must lead irrevocably to a child. Reframed to show the immaturity of the argument: And most important of all, whats all this talk of ASKING CUSTOMERS to order fries with that? To clarify, I am NOT living with HIV. April 10, 2012, 7:22 pm. she's a real bitch. Is it 100% fair to men or women? April 10, 2012, 7:07 pm. Seven months later he tells you that while you were gone, and in order for him to get over you he met someone else and now shes pregnant. April 11, 2012, 8:04 am. But were here to offer advice to LW, so I say evanscr05 is right: Dump this loser, yesterday. And hes a bigger idiot if he doesnt think hes responsible for whats happening to him now. He cant try and opt out of the rules that he knew he was playing by when he had sex with this woman. Both have to accept responsibility for that. He should be angry at himself for choosing to take his chances, knowing the possible outcomes. Aside from social media stalking, many ex-couples continue to actually communicatetrying to stay friends. They can either hope the woman opts to not keep the baby, or they pay. Because we stayed together, she caused him a lot of stress and drama by doing things like not letting him see his kids. Babies come from the hospital. What the fuck ever. If you were instrumental in the making of the child congratulations it is yours.